Dating Foundations



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January 30, 2014

Stop filtering yourself

I hear it a lot.

“I can’t think of anything to say to her”.

Or sometimes: “I’m going to run out of things to say once we start talking”.

It’s a limiting belief and it is just plain WRONG.

What causes you to think like that? Why do you run out of things to say?

Why can’t you think fast enough?

The reason is simple.

Most people follow a process similar to this:

  1. Consciously think of something to say
  2. Put it into words
  3. Change those words around to make them sound better
  4. Say it in your head to imagine what it’s going to sound like
  5. Change the words around again to make it sound a bit better
  6. Say it

If you go through that entire process and continually filter / review your thoughts then of course there are going to be awkward silences and of course

Here’s the process you should follow:

  1. Unconsciously think of something
  2. Say it

Is that a bit risky? Maybe. Does it mean that you’re occasionally going to say something a bit crazy and possibly even shock or upset someone? Absolutely. But you need to be prepared to do that. You can’t please everyone. And if you try to – you’ll fail. If you aim to be polarising then instead of having a bunch of people that kind of like you, you’ll have some that don’t, and some that really do. Which is obviously the better option.

If you truly run out of something to say (which should be rare…) and you find that there’s a bit of an uncomfortable silence… then call it out. Call out the “elephant in the room”. Anything that you consciously observe will be less powerful. Calling out the discomfort will mean it has no power over any of you and you’ll both suddenly be relaxed about it.

So seriously – go out there and stop filtering yourself! Try to just say what you think. When you first start doing this you’ll have to consciously think about doing it. You’ll have to remind yourself to “just say” things. Which is fine. But as with anything like this that you’re trying to make a part your life, gradually you’ll find yourself doing it more and more subconsciously – then it’ll truly become part of who you are.